Evil Overlord

The Top 100 Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord

(copyrighted excerpts, from the List.)

- My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.

- My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

- My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

- Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

- The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

- When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."

- After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

- I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.

- I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

- Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

- I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

- I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.

- I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.

- If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.

- If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.

- My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.

- If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.

- If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.

- If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.

- I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."

- I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.

~ ~ ~

Complete list is here. There's a coupla' iffy things in it, content-wise, but predominately clean and hilarious and oh-so-true.

http://www.eviloverlord.com/lists/overlord.html

chortling maliciously,

-whisper

O Holy Night - the awesome version

This is, personally, the most hilarious thing I have ever heard. ^_^

Please listen to it all the way through. If you can't make it to the end, I understand. It's OK. Those brave souls who forge onward to the epic climax are generally scarred for life, and some have even had to go through traumatic therapy. But I advise hearing it through to the bitter end. It builds gloriously.

murry christmus,

-whisper

rice and water.

Two neat websites where you can simultaneously teach yourself and help the less fortunate in this world.

Freerice
http://www.freerice.com/

On Freerice, you can answer quick questions about all manner of topics, including Spanish, math, geography French, art, English vocabulary, chemical symbols, and others. For every question you answer correctly, Freerice will donate (through the World Food Programme) ten grains of rice to help end hunger. You can read up on the very interesting process of how it works through the FAQ.

Freepoverty
http://www.freepoverty.com/

This website tests your knowledge of geography. It ranks your knowledge by how closely you can pinpoint a given location on the world map. If you can nail it exactly, Freepoverty gives ten cups of clean water, the amount decreasing by how far from the correct location you were.

- - - - -

The two sites have helped me with my Spanish and geography, and I'd like to think that I've helped someone else out there. You ought to try them out. ^_^

riceness,

-whisper

these are my politics.

"That is the problem with government these days. They want to do things all the time; they are always very busy thinking of what things they can do next. That is not what people want. People want to be left alone to look after their cattle."

- Alexander McCall Smith/ Mma Ramotswe

"Just as it is easy to think the State has a lot of different objects – military, political, economic, and what not. But in a way things are much simpler than that. The State exists simply to promote and to protect the ordinary happiness of human beings in this life. A husband and wife chatting over a fire, a couple of friends having a game of darts in a pub, a man reading a book in his own room or digging in his own garden – that is what the State is there for. And unless they are helping to increase and prolong and protect such moments, all the laws, parliaments, armies, courts, police, economics, etc., are simply a waste of time."

- C. S. Lewis

These are my politics,

-whisper

~~~

post scriptum: a note of forewarning: I do not intend for this blog to continue for much longer, and I shall probably bring it to a close at the year's end (because I like doing things in such orderly fashion.) I have only a few more things to say to the world, then I'll bring things to a stop. :) I have greatly, greatly appreciated every view and comment and post-reading. thank you for them all. (:

so, you can expect a couple more posts, and then my farewell notice. just sayin'.

Starfish

Starfish
-story from an unknown origin-

One day an old man was walking along the beach. It was low tide, and the sand was littered with thousands of stranded starfish that the water had carried in and then left behind. The man began walking very carefully so as not to step on any of the beautiful creatures. Many of them seemed to still be alive, and he considered picking some up and putting them back in the water, where they could resume their lives. The man knew the starfish would soon die if left on the dry sand, but he reasoned that he could not possibly help them all, so he did nothing and continued walking.

Soon afterward, the man came upon a small child on the beach who was tossing one starfish after another back into the sea. The old man stopped and asked the lad, "What are you doing?"

"I'm saving the starfish," the child replied.

"But why waste your time? There are so many. You can't save them all, so what does it matter?" asked the man.

The child picked up another starfish. He glanced at it for a moment, then threw it back into the water. "It matters to this one."